I realized sometime back that I wasn't just a mom but I was still a person. Some thing had happened during the birthing process 6 yrs ago that lead me to believe that when I pushed that fat lil baby boy out of my vagina that I pushed out all of my being along with him and it was replaced by something that we call mom. BULLSHIT.
I stopped smoking for that baby, I stopped drinking for that baby, I stopped having any amount of fun except getting giddy over farts and poopy diapers. Rachel the person was gone, gone, gone! But Rachel the mom was there to take her place. I will admit that I am a bit swollen in the head when I talk about my parenting skills. I think I have it all together pretty much. My children are great well rounded spoiled li'l stinkers.
But was I well rounded? No, I wasn't I was like a moon shape...a big chunk of my life was missing. It was Me! When My 2ed child was born things were way bad. I got all blue and cried all the time...blah, blah, blah. My Dh saw that I was stuggeling with the woes of Mommyhood and offered up some tickets to go out. To go out and see one of my favorite bands ever! CLUTCH! My baby was 4 months old. I was over come with guilt for leaving them but I did. I left them with my mother and I went out! I went out and had an awesome freakin time! I hadn't seen Clutch since 1994 when I was still a teen.
I was a little apprehensive about the crowd I kept thinking, I'm a mom I so don't belong here. Then Clutch came out. The drums and the sound of the guitar and I could feel the bass inside my body It was shaking me awake. Like I was sleeping all that time. I raised my hands as if praising god, the music filled my soul. I get all sappy thinking about it but it really was a moment for me. My Dh behind me screaming along with the roar of the crowed and I was mesmirized by the music. I had forgotten about LIVE music and the way it feels.
DH had assured me that before we went that he wouldn't go in the pit and that he would stay with me. Hehe the venue we were at was super small(Niabingy Youngstown, Ohio)(love those shows) About half way through the show I turned to my DH and planted a big fat kiss on his lips and jumped into the pit that was just a foot in front of us. He let me have a swirl in the pit then he grabbed me out to make sure I was ok. I was So excited. The rush of being tossed about like a rag doll. feels good. Being touched by hands that weren't small and gental was a different feeling, I won' t say it felt good cause that would be crazy but it was different and nice.
I found me again, in a mosh pit.